Misunderstandings: The 10 most misunderstood BDSM terms

Written by: Mistress Moriah
Why words sometimes cause a world of misunderstandings…

Thin layer of fog

Language is beautiful. It connects, it clarifies, it opens doors to knowledge and understanding. But within BDSM, language sometimes also acts as a thin layer of fog. A word may seem clear, but in practice it is interpreted in such different ways that people misunderstand each other, or worse: lose themselves in expectations that never come true. Over the years, many concepts have been simplified, misinterpreted, or distorted by pornography into something that bears little resemblance to the real BDSM experience.

In this blog, I want to take you through ten of those terms. Not to prove a point or impose a manual, but to create space. Space for nuance, for honesty, and for the richness that this wonderful playing field deserves. Because the better we understand our words, the safer and more profound our experiences become.

1. Dominance

Many people immediately associate dominance with severity, inflexibility, and harshness. As if a Dominant is some kind of marble statue that no emotion can penetrate. In reality, dominance is more a form of leadership that stems from trust, self-knowledge, and responsibility. It is gentle and sharp, loving and limiting. Dominance is not a pose; it is an inner attitude that manifests itself differently in each person. That is precisely where its beauty lies.

2. Surrender

Surrender is often presented as something that “just happens”: someone kneels, closes their eyes, and that’s it. But true surrender does not come from a physical posture, but from an emotional choice. Through trust, connection, and safety. Surrender is vulnerable, intimate, and never a given. It is a process, not a starting point. A submissive who truly opens up does so layer by layer. And that is exactly what makes a session so impressive.

3. Pain

In the mainstream, pain is seen as the goal of BDSM. But pain is rarely the end point. For some, it is a stimulus, for others a way to release tension, and for others still a form of meditation. Pain is just a language. And as with any language, you have to learn to listen to what is meant. Pleasure and pain are closer together than many people think; sometimes it is precisely that boundary that touches something essential in a person.

4. Consent

Everyone knows the word, but few people feel its full depth. Consent is not a signature, not a three-second verbal agreement. It is an ongoing conversation, a living process. It changes with how someone feels, what someone can handle, and what someone needs. Consent requires attention and awareness. It is the backbone of every experience, not a checkbox to be ticked in advance.

5. Sadism

Sadism is almost always interpreted negatively outside the BDSM world: someone who wants to inflict pain for the sake of pain itself. Within BDSM, sadism is much more complex and often even loving. A sadist enjoys the experience, the reaction, the energy that is created. It is play, not violence. And when done right, it is precisely the connection that makes that intensity possible. Without that connection, nothing remains.

6. Masochism

Masochism is often seen as “wanting pain,” but that is a poor summary. Masochism is about sensory intensity, emotional release, sometimes even spiritual depth. Many masochists are not looking for pain, but for what pain releases in them: peace, relief, clarity, tension, emotion. It is a personal journey that can never be reduced to a single simple explanation.

7. Power exchange

Many couples think that power exchange means that one person decides everything and the other just follows. But real power exchange is much more subtle. It is a constant movement between giving and receiving. The Dominant leads, but is nourished by the sub. The sub gives, but always retains their own agency. Power exchange is not a hierarchy of value, but a dynamic of trust.

8. Aftercare

Aftercare is sometimes confused with cuddling, drinking tea, or a blanket. But aftercare goes much further than that. It is tailored care, tailored to someone’s physical and emotional state. Sometimes silence is needed. Sometimes structure. Sometimes distance. Aftercare is the closure that allows a session to settle. Without aftercare, a session remains open, as if a door has not been completely closed.

9. Subdrop

Many people use “subdrop” as a collective term for anything that resembles emotional aftermath. But subdrop takes many forms and is almost never as dramatic as it is portrayed online. It can be a dip, fatigue, irritability, hypersensitivity. Subdrop is not a mistake; it is a natural reaction to an intense experience. It deserves recognition, not panic.

10. Discipline

When it comes to discipline, many people think of punishment. Breaking rules, followed by a spanking or an assignment. But discipline has much more to do with structure. With rhythm, with guidance, with clear expectations. Discipline is a form of care, a way to create safety. Punishment can be a part of it, but it is rarely at the heart of the dynamic. It’s about growth, not punishment.

Room for explanation

Language can clarify, but sometimes it can also distort. What we need in the BDSM world is room for explanation. For nuance. For the insight that a word never tells the whole story. Because behind every concept there is a person, a feeling, an experience, a history.

The better we understand our words, the safer the world we build together becomes. And the more honest the experience we share with each other.

Mistress Moriah

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