What do you discuss in a preliminary interview?

Written by: Mistress Moriah
The power of the preliminary interview in BDSM: alignment before surrender

Within BDSM, the importance of a good preliminary discussion is often mentioned, but rarely is it explained what makes that preliminary discussion so essential. The preliminary discussion is not a formality, not a checklist that you quickly work through before the “real work” begins. It is the foundation of every BDSM experience, session, relationship, or dynamic. Without a preliminary discussion, there is no safety, no trust, and no depth.

Whether it’s a one-time BDSM session, a long-term D/s relationship, an introduction between Dominant and sub, a BDSM workshop, or a commercial appointment, the preliminary discussion largely determines how safe, honest, and valuable the experience will be.

The purpose of a preliminary interview

The preliminary discussion has multiple layers. On the surface, it seems to be about boundaries, wishes, and practical arrangements, but underneath lie themes such as trust, alignment, emotional safety, and mutual respect. A good preliminary discussion creates an initial form of connection. Not sexual, but human.

The preliminary discussion is intended to help you understand each other within the context of BDSM. Who are you? What are you looking for? What have you learned from previous experiences? What do you need to feel safe enough to surrender, or to take the lead? This applies to both the submissive and the dominant. A Mistress or Dominant also has boundaries, conditions, and responsibilities.

Consent as an ongoing conversation

One of the most important topics in the preliminary discussion is consent. Not as a one-time agreement, but as an ongoing process. Consent within BDSM goes beyond saying “yes” to an action. It is about understanding what you are saying yes to, why you are doing so, and under what conditions that yes remains valid.

The preliminary discussion covers what form of consent will be used. Is it explicit consent for each act, situational agreements such as with CNC, or consent based on the dynamics within a D/s relationship? This also includes recognizing that consent can be fluid. What feels right today may be different tomorrow. The preliminary interview makes room for that changeability.

Boundaries, limits, and no-gos

Boundaries are a core part of every preliminary interview. Not only the familiar hard and soft boundaries, but also less tangible limits. Think of emotional boundaries, mental vulnerabilities, medical considerations, or triggers from the past.

A submissive discusses what is absolutely undesirable, but also what feels exciting, uncertain, or still unknown. It is precisely these gray areas that are important to identify. For a Dominant, this is not a limitation, but valuable information. It shows where caution is needed and where growth is possible.

The Dominant also sets boundaries. What do you and don’t you do? What forms of play, power dynamics, or intensity suit you? What do you expect from the sub in terms of behavior, attitude, and communication? BDSM is reciprocal in responsibility, even if the roles are unequal.

Wishes, fantasies, and desires

In addition to boundaries, there is room for desires. What attracts you to BDSM? What makes you curious? What have you perhaps had in your head for a long time, but never dared to express? The preliminary interview is the perfect place to share fantasies, without judgment and without pressure to realize them immediately.

Expressing desires does not mean that everything has to be carried out. It means that they can be heard. Sometimes sharing a fantasy is healing or liberating. Sometimes it forms a roadmap for future experiences, sometimes it remains just words. All of this can exist side by side.

Experience and frame of reference

An important but often underestimated part of the preliminary interview is talking about experience. Not to impress or compare, but to provide context. Someone who is new to BDSM needs different guidance than someone with years of experience. Someone who is mainly familiar with relational BDSM will approach a session differently than someone who mainly plays at parties.

Negative experiences also belong here. Bad sessions, boundary violations, manipulation, or unsafe situations from the past may be mentioned. Not to relive the past, but to learn from it and prevent it from happening again. A careful preliminary discussion recognizes that BDSM is not separate from a person’s history.

Psychological and emotional safety

BDSM affects not only the body, but also the mind and heart. That is why psychological safety should be explicitly addressed in the preliminary interview. How do you deal with power, surrender, humiliation, or control? How does that affect someone mentally? And how is aftercare, support, and emotional closure provided?

Aftercare is not a side issue, but an essential part of the experience. The preliminary discussion covers what someone needs after a session. Rest, closeness, words, touch, or distance. It also covers how contact will proceed afterwards and what happens if feelings are unexpectedly triggered.

Practical and medical considerations

In addition to the emotional and relational aspects, there are also practical matters that cannot be overlooked. Medical information such as medication use, physical limitations, allergies, pacemakers, heart problems, the use of blood thinners, diabetes, or previous injuries can be of great importance for safety. Agreements about safe words, non-verbal signals, and communication during a session also belong here.

In commercial BDSM or workshops, additional agreements are often made, such as hygiene, privacy, payment, duration, and responsibilities. Discussing these matters clearly in advance creates peace of mind and clarity during the experience itself.

Building trust before things get exciting

The preliminary discussion is the perfect moment to build trust. Not with big words, but with attention, listening, and honesty. How are doubts responded to? Is there room for questions? Is someone taken seriously, even if something feels uncomfortable?

A good preliminary discussion does not feel like an interrogation, but like a conversation in which both parties feel seen and heard. The pace is slow, the tone is respectful, and there is no rush. BDSM does not begin with the first touch, but with the first real listening.

The preliminary interview as a common thread

Finally, it is important to realize that the preliminary discussion does not have to be a one-time event. In long-term BDSM relationships, D/s dynamics, or intensive processes, the preliminary discussion recurs in various forms. Reflection, adjustment, and renewed alignment keep the dynamics healthy and alive.

The preliminary discussion is therefore not a barrier, but an invitation. An invitation to awareness, responsibility, and genuine connection. Those who take the preliminary discussion seriously lay the foundation for loving, safe, and profound BDSM.

Mistress Moriah

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